Thursday, September 08, 2011

Not My Best Friend

We've been married almost 6 years. And we're parents.

They've been the most eventful years of my life, hands down.

And we have been through a lot - more than any other couple we know who've been together around the same time we have.

As we approach our 6th anniversary, I am sitting across the room from you - typing on my laptop with cold, sweaty hands, buying time because very soon I have to tell you something I am not sure you will like - and I really want you to.

To practice for telling you I have discussed it with others and it was easy - because I wanted them to like it but not as much I want YOU to.

It is always harder with you because it counts more. You count more.

After 6 years, I know I probably will always have this same sensitivity to everything you say and do and think. I know that you do love that - how responsive and reactive I am to you - but that it gets too much for you sometimes. And that you manage me by creating space around yourself and barriers between us sometimes to tone things down and maintain life at a pace that you find tolerable.

After 6 years, I know when to respect your space and your barriers, how to fight the seemingly endless need for more closeness & be less demanding - for a while. I have learnt to let myself be managed and handled by you and for you. But I am always nervous when faced with something that may create new distance.

After 6 years, I am more or less resigned to the fact that I will never have a husband who is a best friend. Never. My best friends will always be other people. You will never be a witness in my life, the outside observer, the friendly listener. You are much too much the center of it, too often part of the very issue I am grappling with and need to talk about.

After 6 years, I know you're destined to reside on the emotional and intellectual extremes of my being. I know that someone can make you feel so fundamentally fulfilled at a certain moment that when it's over you can't believe it actually happened or was possible. But then you find they can do it again. You get to a point where you realize that no matter what happens in between those moments, you can't bear to miss a single one of them. That is us. The curve of our life will always have extreme lows and extreme highs. The lows will come from disappointment/resentment at coming down from the highs and longing/impatience for the next high.

After 6 years, I know who you are and who I am well enough to accept that we really are opposites, that this will never be a comfortable or predictable situation and that it will always take work and be stressful at times. I know this because people don't really change. They may adjust but they don't really change.

7 Comments:

Blogger The Queen said...

That is too bad that you can't be best friends with your husband. I think the two of you should work towards that if you want to make it another 6 years.

What do you need to tell him? That you are pregnant again?

9/18/2011 11:37:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...

No, not pregnant. I am sure he'd be pleased now if that happened.

I had imagined that having defused the pregnancy issue - and with the end of the long-distance phase of our relationship - we were out of the woods - so to speak.

So was kind of surprised to find myself so nervous with him again. Seems that old issues may be resolved but the emotional minefield is still there. And every new potentially controversial issue that life throws at us will take some work. External factors may have changed but we haven't.

And yes, he is still too much at the center of everything that confuses or overwhelms me in life and I need to talk about. I still need others to act as some sort of buffer/sounding board - like this blog used to be.

Not sure why I have such hyperthin skin around him. But it is still too intense between us for friendship. I still need ppl in my life who don't stress me out so much.

9/20/2011 08:18:00 AM  
Blogger Angel said...

loulou thats normal. you do need a life and social circle outside of your marriage.

11/11/2011 01:52:00 PM  
Blogger loulou said...

Dear LouLou,
I loved your writing..no words can describe how I feel towards it. In short you make me feel warm, secure and filled me with hopes in the future. Please don't stop writing..please write once in a while or maybe once a month, but don't drop it. In case you didn't notice, i share your nickname and I love it..:))

1/30/2012 07:45:00 PM  
Blogger Super Mommy said...

where have you been? we miss you!

9/10/2012 04:04:00 PM  
Blogger Meghna said...

How do I subscribe to your blog?

12/26/2012 11:16:00 PM  
Blogger Elena said...

Hi, Lou Lou...I see that you have not posted in over a year. I came across your blog by googling things about wanting to have a baby. **You are an amazing writer** I just went all the way to '05 and read every entry (it is now 3:00 am) and I now feel like I know you and your husband. You have an incredible gift!
I would love an update as to how you are doing now...Will subscribe to your blog and hope for any future entries. Blessings <3
Elena

1/07/2013 01:49:00 PM  

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